


heaven help a fool who falls in love

by anothersadsong



Series: close ain't close enough [1]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars
Genre: F/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-18 21:22:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9403289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anothersadsong/pseuds/anothersadsong
Summary: (for @poe-also-bucky, who could not type because of the wine, but asked for this, anyway. <3)





	

It’s nothing, Jyn tells herself, as she slips into Cassian’s too-small bunk for the third consecutive night in a row. It’s … sharing comfort in the wake of an unimaginable tragedy with the only person in the entire galaxy who could ever understand the pain and loss and heartbreak that keeps her awake every single time she closes her eyes. It’s offering what little she can in order to keep his nightmares at bay, to hold him tight and whisper reassurances that he is not the things that he’s done in the name of the cause. That’s all it is, and nothing more. That’s all it can be.

Jyn moves what few possessions she calls her own into their quarters three weeks later. It hardly makes sense to hoard extra room that could be used for something else when she’s never there. It’s sensible. It’s the most logical decision. She’s thinking practically. But it doesn’t mean anything else. It can’t. 

It’s nothing, she thinks, every time Cassian wordlessly pulls her as close as humanly possible, and tucks her head underneath his chin, and holds her tight until they’re breathing in time, and their heartbeats are totally in sync and they both feel comfortable enough to wind their limbs together until it was impossible to figure out where one ended and the other began. Just as it can’t possibly mean anything when he buries his face in the space between her shoulder and her neck and allows his guard down enough to murmur ‘i’m tired’, and Jyn knows without a shadow of a doubt that he means it in the broader sense, not just about the moment. She’s tired, too, and she whispers as much in return as she gently runs her fingers through his hair, not for the first time finding herself hoping that in whatever small way, she’s helping.

It’s because they make such a good team that more often than not, they’re sent on assignments together (once she surprises everyone, including herself, when she decides to stay and fight on), and in the quiet moments, Jyn thinks that there’s no one else she’d rather be working with. In the not so quiet moments, when everything smells of ozone, and her heart is pounding in her ears, and they’re the only two left standing after a skirmish and she’s flashing Cassian an altogether sharp and predatory grin as he’s watching her with those shining eyes that look just as feral as she feels, she knows so. It’s nothing, though, it’s what they do, because they have to do it.

They kiss often - when they’re tangled up in each other in the quiet of the night. Soft kisses, tender in a way that Jyn suspects surprises both of them because they just didn’t think they had it in them, the capacity to be so gentle with each other. They kiss until they’re breathless - but that’s all that they do. They never speak about it, and Jyn never asks. It’s all just part of their routine.

As are the looks that they share, and the looks that they don’t, and the sorts of fleeting little touches that Jyn sometimes thinks that she’s made up, so light, almost nothing. They smile more often, too, when they’re together. And sometimes, when they’re all curled up, flushed and panting after kissing, she has to wonder if he wants as much as she does. If he wants her, if he wants - 

Well. It doesn’t really matter, does it? This was all it was ever going to be. This was all it ever could be. 

Jyn slips up while speaking over comlink. It isn’t even that important a conversation, they’re simply speaking about everything and nothing while they’re on opposite ends of base. He’s got reports to attend to, and since no one really knows what to do with her, she offers her assistance wherever it’s needed. ‘I love you’, she says, unthinking, as a way of parting, and freezes, horrified and humiliated when Cassian doesn’t say anything in return. She terminates the call, and with a frightening steadiness, goes about returning to his quarters (not theirs, certainly not anymore) in order to pack her meager belongings, and try to figure out just what she is going to do now. 

She practically jumps out of her skin when the door slides open and Cassian is standing there, panting like he’s just sprinted from one end of base to the other, and - he’s actually sprinted from one end of base to the other to get here, and … and what? Jyn relaxes just enough to soften her fighting stance, cautious and nervous to hear what he’s got to say. If he tells her to leave, she’s prepared to do just that. It will break an already fractured heart, but she’ll understand. It’s not the right time, or the right place, and they’ve never put a name to what they are, if they are anything at all. 

He still doesn’t say anything, but he crosses the small room in a few long strides, and Jyn isn’t afraid, just unsure of what he might say. Which turns out to be nothing for a good long while, at least, as he carefully cups her face in warm rough hands, and kisses her to within an inch of her life. This is not the sweet, gentle kiss she’s become accustomed to. This is rough, and needy, an desperate in a way that suggests that he might be afraid that when he stops, she won’t be there anymore. Jyn’s knees go weak, and she has to wrap her arms around his neck to keep standing, and she groans and whimpers against his lips, but this is - this is everything she’s been dreaming about and more.

Cassian pulls away in order to breathe, but he keeps close, his forehead resting against hers, his breath puffing out against her lips, and for a moment, all Jyn can hear is her heart beating rapidly in her ears, alternately anticipating and fearing what he might say. 

When it turns out to be an urgently whispered ‘say it again, please’, she can’t help but oblige, her lips brushing over his as she repeats the sentiment, slowly this time, so they can both savor it. ‘I love you’, she says, punctuating the statement with a kiss, steady enough to slide a hand to his shoulder for just a moment before she decides to brush fingertips along the line of his jaw. ‘I love you’. 

He barks out a laugh, and slides an arm around her waist, urging her all the closer still, even though Jyn doesn’t think that she can get any closer. Still, even being this close was not close enough. Nothing could ever be close enough. ‘i love you’, he murmurs, his brows shifting subtly, his expression thrilled and surprised all at once, almost like he can’t quite believe what he’s hearing, and what he’s saying, too. 

And Jyn couldn’t care less about anything going on around them, this moment is for the pair of them, and for them alone. It becomes almost like a mantra, the ‘i love yous’, and the ‘i didn’t knows’, and the ‘i’m sorries’, and it hardly matters that they haven’t admitted their feelings earlier, because they’re doing it now, and it feels amazing, and for the first time in her life, Jyn feels like she’s found exactly where she belongs.

It’s not perfect, but then, when have either of their lives been perfect? 

It isn’t perfect, but for the pair of them, it is just right.


End file.
